I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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