she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
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I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I need a beard to bite.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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