I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
