If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
