I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
