have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
