Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
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That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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