i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
