the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
