Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
