Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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