I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
