I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
