I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
