im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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