You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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