i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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