remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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