this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
