I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
