There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.