if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS