I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
