His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
