just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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