I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
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In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018