that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.