period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
