When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
