sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize