I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
