I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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