i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
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A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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