So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
