My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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