Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups