summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.