I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.