insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.