if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.