Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it