under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".