Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
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Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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