Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
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Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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