She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
