i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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