She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
