dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal