i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags