see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!