I looked at my own cervix.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.