when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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