He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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