Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
