My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
