It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
