I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
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I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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