i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
