allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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